I guess I just want to find myself...

But I've long forgotten what desperation or hunger is, too easily satiated by things I don't want, but don't mind. Is this what I will let myself be?

All this while I'd loved to know what I was doing, or at least think so. It made me feel strong when I was weak, in control when I clearly was not. I've always known that I'm gullible, but why was it so easy to deceive myself? Perhaps being both the trickster and the tricked helped and I could pull wool over my own eyes (haha).

I don't know what am I to do now that I've figured out the flaw in the blueprint, one that has eluded me for such a long time.

It's better to feel hurt and pain and agony than nothing, nothing at all. Remember that!!!!!!!!!!

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