hmmm.

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Not ~~Le Xuan~~ anymore, i'm afraid.
Not anyone much anymore.

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✏ Here goes nothing

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 8:57 PM

I still wish I could run away forever though, to a place where I didn't have to worry about losing about bearing the consequences about not being able to carry it out as planned about not becoming better..

But on the other hand, it feels good to stand tall (ok not very) and face the music I duly deserve. Weird as it sounds I feel a little more.. sure of the universe. In other news it's also the first time I tried to be something else other than a coward.. I just wish I'd have the support but I guess it's too much to ask for now.

I understand it's not possible to be the saint I used to be or have everything back to normal (although clearly I still do hope).. but it's reality and I'll come to terms with it in due time.

When you love yourself too little or too much, it's inevitable you'll end up hurting yourself and the people who matter the most. It's like I just sat in my own bubble and let the negativity seep through the contours of my little brain and cook up some lethal meningitis, then devising my very own defense mechanism of selfishness and ugliness, destined for my own fall.

Also I think it was some saving grace (even though no christian here) that I happened to see that.. it reminded me how important these people are and just the right amount of motivation to get me to finally do it. If I hadn't seen that.. I'd probably take a few more hours to muster up the courage.

It's still terrifying for me (and sadly always will be) but I'm just relieved I haven't added another regret to my already bursting archive (I'm kidding there're only a few but still)..

I really want this to be possible.. Since I clearly can't be all like please don't hurt me I will be good enough so I don't have to.

I'm very thankful.

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