hmmm.

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Not ~~Le Xuan~~ anymore, i'm afraid.
Not anyone much anymore.

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<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 3:51 PM

I guess I'm just sad (?) that it took me this much to finally understand what I'm doing wrong.

You're not over it if you dig it out once in a while to (tenderly) lick your wounds and blame yourself and others once in a while. You're not over it if you let that negativity germinate in your garden of doubt (you think you have it under control; but no you don't). You're not over it if you are blind to what's happening around you (conscious or not) or that you're hurting everyone with that double-bladed sword. You're not over it if you're still protecting yourself against what you think "cannot" hurt you anymore (then what for, you ask).

I could be thankful that I finally understand, that I can finally stop deluding myself. But it just seems like there's nothing I can apply this new found knowledge on anymore.. nothing that really matters? Though if I didn't understand this, I wouldn't want to have what I once possessed because then I'd just be ignorant and compelled to impose my immature self on the people around me. Why do things work in such a sad, seamless circle?

Why couldn't I have been born fearless or tactless or selfless or careless or something instead of being scared shitless all the time???

It's a hefty price to pay..

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