Look. Ant colony invaded my drawer of letters and presents... And memories.

Screening through the load, I can safely say there isn't a single person whom I am closer to now than before, back when we still corresponded with (what seems childish now) letters. And it's funny, isn't it? You'd think friendships become stronger overtime if both parties overcome certain challenges together. And I do agree, not about to overturn that century-long belief now because it's true. But it's just... Maybe we haven't completely solved anything. Maybe I haven't done anything successfully to salvage anything. I really pity everyone who's had the bad luck to become my friend, yknow? I don't say this to make myself feel better (ok maybe to a certain extent that's all I'm good at anyway lol) but it just strikes me as ridiculous how I could've taken a 180 degree turn for the worse over a span of a year or so. It's just.. Such a bloody joke to me.

Don't get me wrong, I really do love the people I love. It's just that I've been an absolutely undeserving prick and I have no clue how anyone can be accepting of me at all. I'm judgmental. I'm arrogant. I'm ungrateful. What more (less) could you possibly ask for?

I think I used to have alot of principles, big or small, serious or stupid alike. I didn't know it then, but it was perhaps what shaped me, what held my character together. But I let it slip then drip then leak away all together. I let "lazy" become "irresponsible", "take a break" become "slacking", "nevermind" become "I don't care" and guilt over nothing become indifferent to everything. It's like I'm still here but lousier, not whole and possibly just a cheap rip-off from who I used to be. I would still give everything to get myself back, yknow? But nothing of the sort is going to happen, none of the people I've hurt are going to heal miraculously and scars still fester every now and then.

One thing that could've changed everything is if I were never ashamed of dreaming.

Thankful I didn't decide to wipe out my memories with the ants.

P/S: the funniest (funny strange not funny haha) and saddest thing is the people who I've had maybe the most letters with I don't even talk to / acknowledge anymore. That's how ironic life is, kids. Please treasure your loved ones as I failed to do so with mine.