Always on the verge of snapping and giving up, giving in but never being able to. It's not a question of pride anymore it's an inability and I'm sorry to myself for having waited so long and still continuing to wait. God knows what I should do or if I should do anything at all when there's clearly nothing to do.

I don't think doing anything would do much of anything but still I feel a need to do something.

It feels unsettling. I feel like I'm acting when there's clearly no need to I don't think there is a need to feel like this but I just do why why why I feel apprehensive and uneasy about nothing. Rule of thumb is if you don't admit it it doesn't exist but the way I run away from my feelings sometimes...... Utterly laughable. A battle? No, too vigorous and draining. More like an arduous journey. Something more subtle and tedious not to mention torturous but still.

Sometimes I wonder if we create tumulus meanders only to try to get about them. People are funny things. If there is no challenge, they have to find one. If there is no pain, they have to stab themselves (hahaha bad analogy). Hotcakes and syrup only tastes sweeter when you've had your share of burnt toast.

Though sometimes it is only until an inextricable state that you realise it is a wrong path. But of course, no turning back, because that is simply not a choice.