So. It's been a while huh? Hi :B

EYEs are creeping.. crawling.. (no actually they're running straight towards us at full speed..) 15 days. F I F T E E N days. nearly 14 now. and all that's left is just.. nothing. it's a scary thought to be left behind. Sometimes I get these random panicky moments and I get so annoyed at myself for being so slow but.. almost convinced that can't be helped. Had 36 things to do this holiday and truth to be told sadly, I am contented with completing 15. Sigh jade sigh. This is you now. That was you before. Now now nowwwww. And of course that's the least of why I haven't been posting. Wouldn't give up talking to myself a little while for some physics nope.

Stop it. You're in public. This is not the time. Then again, when is the time? It is surprisingly easy to laugh it off as it is to erupt into tears. The words catch in your throat; not that there is anything to say but.. Maybe a sound. It is worming its way up your windpipe. It's uncomfortable. All around, people mill about. How do they do it? How can they get on with knowing there is nothing there. Maybe it is just you though, you're too weak. The silence is thunderous now. You bite your lip to stop it quivering. Go home, to the comfort of your room and.. Judging glances cast around, eye contact is inadvisable. Finally, some air. It is there again. A ball of angst just gliding its way up your throat - most torturous way possible - threatening to destruct. In the quiet of the night, you break.

What rubbish is that ugh. My english is so bad i can't even.

Anyway I've been thinking and it is really a gift to be able to tweak your perspective to match others'. I can't do it. Especially when you're too defensive, too caught up in your echo that you can't hear the hushed tones. We are all like that, face it. Even if, even if, you can change your viewpoint, you must first have your own. Because we are so keen on convincing others to see our point, we fail to see theirs. It's a two way thing, rather. Here's the thing though. We act on what we think. Most of the time, we don't act on how other people think we should act. There is a mismatch in idea that's why there's give and take. Everytime you force it upon yourself to act the way someone else would expect you to act, that's a give. And people, no matter how noble, cannot give all the time. Humans are only human. Overtime, this creates a region of hydrostatic pressure (no i'm kidding) and tension and booooooom. End of exchange.

I really really really hate how constricted I feel writing. I feel like this word is not good enough. This sentence is not nice enough. I am not good enough.

Finally, I really hate opening up to people haha. Not that I've only just realised this.. but it has never been much of an issue until i thought about it again... (i am really tired now can i stop here) it takes two hands to clap and I've always thought I was the one clapping but I'm not actually doing anything at all. But do you know how bloody hard it is for me to tell you something without me constantly judging myself? I've become so self centered but i just can't.............. shit floating back into incoherece i give up bye.