hmmm.

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Not ~~Le Xuan~~ anymore, i'm afraid.
Not anyone much anymore.

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✏ Forget about guns, forget ammunition.

<$BlogDateHeaderDate $> @ 5:16 PM

Hello there.

Been thinking too much these few days (trololol all the time) and well. I realised I really cannot open up to people cos i'm just like that.........

I don't really feel like being anywhere, actually. And I am losing my voice (figuratively). On a random note, blogger's being a slow bitch today hence I am typing this on word doc haha. The speed of words appearing on my screen is not half as fast as they are appearing in my head. And choking too much really blisters your thumb L not that I can actually sing and play a proper song at once, but here’s to trying. And quite productive yesterday! Although I can’t say the same for today.

And why do I keep saying I’m a bad friend?

I don’t know. I just am. Honestly I used to think it was okay to live, no strings attached. You have a friendship, but you put in just enough to keep it alive. But no feelings, whatsoever. Nothing of the sort. If you feel, then of course you have everything to lose, do you not? Don’t feel, I’m telling you. But isn’t it unfair to the vulnerable one? They didn’t come along into your life one day wishing they would never mean anything to you. Maybe they are (or did) putting in the effort to make this work. They are fuelling this sputtering machine. And what are you doing? You are merely stepping on the gas pedal, as if acceleration is the hardest thing to do. This is one of the reasons, I guess. When you get too comfortable you forget you have to contribute somemore. So I get down and push, taking the first step to take things further, even if I don’t feel like it sometimes. I don’t think I will ever get to do anything I genuinely feel like doing.

This is now. Of course, there was before, when the resources were unlimited; they never seemed to run out. One day, someone got off and decided they’ve had enough. Sure, they pushed it for a little while. But after they realised the other party wasn’t going to get down with them, they left. Nobody likes to come up with all the energy, it takes two hands to clap, simple as that.

And then there are other cases where there is nothing much of a vehicle yet. Nothing to push, no strings attached. But you still have to walk a distance with that someone. So you initiate building some sort of automobile. Maybe just a bicycle, simple and durable. And you push off and watch as it evolves into a motorcycle, car, tractor, plane. Not foolproof but there is always a chance, no?

But here’s the thing. It’s exhausting to push so many vehicles at once. With full force, I can only handle about 2-5. And you wonder why I don’t have many friends.

This of course, by no means is why I cannot open up to people I don’t know I just fail to speak sometimes. (most of the time, maybe?) I think it’s a choice, and a restriction, perhaps. It’s like chains and bars and impenetrable walls of steel. Sometimes I’m tempted and I do try to get out but so many alarms and security measures and booby traps I shrink back into my shell.

Most of the time I predict what other people think, as in from their perspective - I don’t adopt it (I can’t) – and I am right. I have full blown conversations from both parties and return with some (possibly) unfavourable conclusion. So I end up not saying anything at all.

I think too much. Really.