With so many amazing people out there i feel intimidated and i'm afraid i'll lose this special thing, one of the only things i can actually do properly. sets a standard i have to live up to and with that pressure i cannot perform normally - well.
i really do sound different as compared to 2 weeks ago, 3 months ago, a year ago. i guess it's cos the formation of thoughts change in the way they choose to come alive. also things that have happened (obviously) change the way i think. i'm such a coward. so afraid of everything. people, mistakes, emptiness, the world. i am pretty screwed, but lo and behold, i choose to live in this little facade of temporary perfection instead of trying to get out of it once and for all. no surprise there really, i run away all the time. and come to think of it, i don't think i've ever succssfuly solved a single problem hahaha. face danger, run. face fear, run. face feelings, run. must've gotten really good at it. though i'm rather contented now, i'm sure there's more to come anytime. life is pretty random no?

something i rather dislike about our lives now is how everyone seems to know each other one way or another. why why why can't people live peacefuly without crossing paths, for one. why must my first favourite person know my second favourite person, perhaps. why are they close? why can't they just be mine hahahaha.

and i've gotten really shallow apparently. well not instantaneously but it's been going on for quite sometime now. i used to think more (too much) and get so lost in those (usually sad) thoughts and just die slowly. so to avoid (run away) from such inconveniences, i've learnt to ignore everything unhappy. once i'm sure the thought will turn ugly, i stop it. kill it. completely refrain from thinking. in this way i've not only exterminated the bad thoughts but also the good ones (like bacteria!) and i've become so shallow i can't even begin.

also i realise how worthless i've been all this while, thank goodness i've prepared for it so the realisation didn't hit me so hard. all these fluffy absorbant comfy pillows to curb the sad.

i want my own pace and my own life and my own happiness and one day my own courage and independence. i want a chance to explain, but i'm prepared to give it up, for fear of rejection. somedays i let myself believe none of it is my fault. but i think of how you may argue and blame myself again. you are always right i am always wrong. this is the way it has always been and will always be no? perhaps this is weakness. a senseless submission. i don't see anyway out.

weakness draws pity. i used to be so afraid of showing my weakness. i didn't want to be pathetic. mos of all i was embarrassed, always so embarrased of being like that (whatever it was). now it's all the same to me. shown or not, you are weak.

at this point in time, i've come to terms with pretty much everything, so much that i refuse to step in to change another bit. i admit, my fear once stood in the way of smoothing everything out but it doesn't matter anymore, does it? there is nothing left to smoothen. like like an artifical i guess. the san flat at first, then little dunes form - problems. as time goes by the wind and rain blow and wash them away. now there is nothing left. pieces, no, specks, lost in the atmosphere. they are somewhere, just not here anymore. they are not mine to control now.

i didn't use to sound so cheap. i am a failure. the worst kind - the type already fine with failing.

i am happy aren't i? hahaha.