hi there. here's a post that finally actually makes sense :P i started at like before 8 or smth but boob keep talking to me then i duwan type scared break my chain of thoughts :P anw here goes. it's been one term alr. and they say sec 2 is the best year. but i just don't feel it. or is this all there is? aish idk. anw so many things have happened and everything is just well weird now. i feel like i've lost my direction and drive. i don't know what to do. i don't know what i want. everyday, everyweek it's just schoool cca home computer hmwk sleep. somedays i don't complete my hmwk and let it flow over to the weekends. where i don't complete my work again and chiong it sometime later. like now for instance. life just flashes by like mondaytuesdaywednesdaythurdayfridaysaturdaysunday. and oh, monday again. it's a vicious never ending cycle. i don't have the drive anymore. sigh. please give me something to live for. hmmm now i'm sitting with shersia in class :b she very cute but very quiet lah aiyoooo. but then i wonder, am i also like that? i mean, i really can't start conversations. it's quite pathetic, i know. but hmm she's really nice :) hope i'll somehow get closer to her like with fatin and rebecca heh. miss sitting with them. miss spazzing with fatin over hot anime/manga guys :D and listening, just sitting between them while they quarrel. damnit, i suddenly feel so many things changed. what happened? i wish things were how they were again. i'm trying. and yeah, season's over. for us at least. we didn't get in. lost to scgs and zhonghua. somewhat regretful. this could have been the only year we could win. and we just lost it like this. the only year we could make ourselves proud. what happened to all the promises of beating rgs and all. what happened to showing the rest of the ccas we could do it. what happened? but it's okay. no it's not. it's over now. all we can hope for and do is to train hard and come back even stronger in 2 years. will we even have a chance? sigh. i really don't know what i'll do without basketball. without them, without us. let's treasure all the time spent together. don't let it be only just a dream. as i look upon others, being happy, enjoying themselves, i wonder. was this what i used to be? with other people watching silently, wishing, wanting, envious, jealous. it hurts to be excluded, even not exactly. it hurts not being able to be a part. perhaps this is what they used to be. perhaps it's time to swap roles; give them a taste of happiness for once. perhaps. i'm sorry i didn't understand. i understand now. it feels horrible. sometimes being happy is scary. when you're at the peak of life you can't go any higher. there's only one direction. and then you fall fall fall. back into civilisation. back on earth. there you will try everything to get back up again. sometimes it takes a miracle. but it applies vice versa. when you hit rock bottom, there's no more going down. you can only rise again. the only problem is, what precisely is rock bottom? that's why never forget your values when you're happy. never give them a chance to turn against you when you're down. in the end, everything will be okay. if everything is not okay, it's not the end. okay i could go on and on ranting about my life but my brain doesn't feel like thinking anymore and my hand doesn't feel like typing anymore. and my hmwk is undone. sigh. sometimes i wish people didn't read this blog anymore and i could post and post without locking it. because that chance of someone reading it is precisely what i want. but if it was open to all it would just feel wrong so. wellz. overall, im not enjoying sec 2 as much as i should i guess. always hope but never expect. saranghae.